I wasn’t originally planning on blogging about my visit to Sachsenhausen (right outside of Berlin), but I think it’s important that I write it down and put it out there because it is perhaps one of the most important things I have ever done for myself.

The picture above is of the area where public hangings took place to intimidate and pacify the prisoners.

I’m not entirely sure where to begin. As background, I went to Berlin with a class trip to visit some of the creative sectors in the city. The camp wasn’t on the agenda, but I suggested it to a few of my friends and 6 of us agreed to go together on the last day before we left to come back home. Oddly enough, it was the most gorgeous day we had while in Germany.

Entrance to the museum was free, but we got the guided audio tour, which turned out to be incredibly informative. I don’t think I’ll really get into the history of the camp, because you can just click this link and read it in a far more succinct fashion than I could explain, but I think the important thing is that I explain how I felt at each point during the 3 hours I spent there.

Almost immediately the group of 6 split up. For some reason, I don’t know if it was because of the audio tour or what, we all wound up alone before we even entered the gates of the camp making the whole experience even more intense. I found it hard to set foot inside the gates marked “ARBEIT MACHT FRIE.” It took me a good five minutes to psych myself up enough to get through them, but from the minute I was inside my feet felt like lead.

I don’t think that I can accurately describe what I felt when I first walked into the camp. There is such a sense of overwhelming sadness inside the walls that it can’t be explained without being there. I looked around, and for a place filled with people on a Saturday, it was eerily quiet, as if the sound was somehow sucked out. There were no birds chirping or loud voices. At times, it was almost silent.

The first thing that really struck me were the numbered stone blocks that represented the places where the barracks once stood. All of these stones had at least a few mourning rocks on top of them. The first time I cried was when I placed a rock and said Kaddish. I’ve only said that prayer twice; once at the Western Wall and once at Sachsenhausen. Honestly, I don’t think that Kaddish can be said enough at a place like that. When I ran into a few of my friends I explained the significance of the rocks, but ultimately we all went our separate ways again.

The most powerful moments of the day happened when I came across the gas chamber, the mass shooting pit, and the ash graves. I cannot compare the feeling I had as I walked down into the pit to anything else. I felt suffocated. I wanted to run away, as far away as I possibly could so I didn’t have to feel that oppressive sadness anymore. It just got worse when I got into the gas chamber. The idea that so many people were killed in such a heartless, sadistic manner to satisfy the inane beliefs of a mad man is beyond me. By this point I was balling. By the time I got to the mass graves I could barely breathe. It’s hard for me to even think about it now.

Granite blocks were positioned above the ash graves to act as a marker. Placed from one end of the blocks to the other were hundreds of mourning stones, covering every inch of granite. Looking out across the camp through my tears, I couldn’t help but think how lucky I was to be alive and seeing this place. The Holocaust has always been real to me, but just seeing this world first hand was an invaluable experience.

Walking through Sachsenhausen was perhaps one of the hardest things I have ever done, but as I was leaving and my feet began to feel a little bit lighter, I knew that it was something that I would never forget. It was truly a life changing experience.

This Installation was inside of the museum of the camp. It’s the last thing you see before you leave the building.